It’s Survivor Time! Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the latest season of Survivor, dubbed Survivor: Worlds Apart. Wow, I’ve never had to type out Survivor so many times before. Anyway, before you get bored, let’s get to recapping what is sure to be a season like any and every other.
Last season was the second installment of Blood vs Water which pitted loved ones against each other. Before that was Brains vs Beauty vs Brawn (or what I like to call, Brawny) in which tribes were initially separated by how a person classified themselves (aka prejudice). In Worlds Apart, no it is not Earthlings vs Martians (budgets have been cut). Instead, Tribes have been separated by the kind of work a contestant does, or did, in the case of the “ex” (READ: unemployed, probably) guy. White Collar vs Blue Collar vs No Collar. Can also be called , Has $ vs. Wants $,vs. What Is $. That’s the vibe we’re getting here.
The contestants get on the starting mat to get a load of Jeff and their fellow rivals/teammates. Immediately we see that the White Collar group is dressed to impress in suits and blazers. While it is commendable that you are going with the theme it doesn’t seem like the smartest choice.
Blue Collar is yelling about how they carry America, they’re not afraid to use their hands, and blood, sweat and tears, blah blah blah. Toss envious glances toward the $ group.
The No Collar peeps use the term “free spirit ” more times than I’ve ever heard in my life and basically say “Hakuna Matata” to which $ and No $ are like, “Good luck with that.”
Jeff instructs each group to choose a Tribe representative. People volunteer. Jeff says to choose a henchmen. The people choose. We’re left with Joaquin and So from WC, Dan and ??? from BC and Jenn and ??? from NC. Jeff tells them they’ll have to make decisions for the tribe later. Oooooh. Ominous.
When WC gets to their camp they proceed to have a circle time/AA meeting in which they introduce themselves and try to figure out who makes the most money. So and Joaquin head out to see what decision they’ll make for the tribe.
They find two sacks of beans, one tiny one labeled Deceive and one large one labeled Honest. If they took the Deceive option, they would get the small bag of beans and a clue to the, wait for it, HIDDEN IMMUNITY IDOL. If they chose the Honest option they got the bigger bag of beans and fuller tummies but no clue. Le sigh.
Joaquin is all up for deception and says they have to take the clue. So is hesitant. She prefers to be honest at this point in the game but is completely steamrolled by Joaquin. They return to the tribe with a lie flimsier than the shelter being built at the other camps and So completely gives away the fact that they are lying. So is so bad at lying that that is her new name. So Bad At Lying.
Max, the intellectual hipster, is not buying it. Neither is Shirin the Yahoo executive. She quickly teams up with Carolyn and they pick up Max. They are 3 strong. They proudly proclaim it is half the tribe. Their second grade teachers rejoice.
Back at the BC Tribe, Dan the Postman who is too fat and Harry for words and ??? make the decision to be honest. The tribe is grateful except for one lady who is very thin and prompts concern for when we are on Day 20. She suspects this big bag is actually the small bag. Questions arise.
The NC Tribe is full of huggers and players with “good vibes.” If you’re imagining a group of hippies, visually, you’re pretty much right. Exhibit A: Vince the coconut vendor and Cherokee Jake Gyllenhaal look-a-like with feathers in his hair. Big white feathers. He’s immediately drawn to Jenn, a “free spirit” who is so happy to be there. Vince tells her he feels a connection and that they should work together. Jenn is like, why not?
Here’s why not Jenn. When you get back from choosing the Honest bag of beans with the YouTube star (yes, that is his job description), Joe, a jewelry designer, will be able to start a fire in about two minutes flat. You will offer to help and as you offer blow on his wood (seriously, you say this), Vince is staring you down and hoping Joe fails. When Joe succeeds everyone is happy to have fire except for Vince who now sees Joe as a threat to his happiness with you.
Hold on, it gets better.
So (not from WC, I’m just pausing here) Vince corners Jenn and flat out asks if she has a deeper connection with Joe. What?! What is this, The Bachelor? She explains she has feelings for both of them (I checked to make sure I was still watching CBS and yep, the logo was still in the corner) and that she still felt a connection with Vince. He asks her if she finds Joe attractive.
“Like, as in do I like him?”
“Yes I like him. As a human being. Just like I like you as a human being.”
I’m torn between calling him Feathers and Nightcrawler. This guy is so possessive he’s freaking me out. Even though he looks like Jake Gyllenhaal.
Jenn assures him she does not like Joe in that way and then Nightcrawler forces her to give home a long hug. Jenn tells us she’s open to anything and from this point I dub her Love Story Day One.
Dan the Postman is making trouble at BC criticizing the shelter. The ladies are getting mad. He goes off to the beach to strip to his undies/swimsuit which is the smallest brief (Speedo to those of you who call tissues “Kleenex”) I’ve ever seen outside of Europe. He has enough hair on him to make a blanket. He talks with the other ??? on this island and he calms him down. ??? is nameless for only a short while because he decides to eat a scorpion. Raw. He becomes the Scorpion King faster than his stomach can pump that scorpion right out.
He dude in the Boston shirt has an accent stronger than Boston so I will call him Bawston. He tells Sara the tattooed girl who came to the island in a midriff the sad story of his murdered sister. He tells us he uses that story to get the ladies and that also, his tattoo helps. Gag.
He first immunity challenge is a series of physical puzzles (shocker). BC (I’ll learn real names later) falls behind at first while WC’s So Bad At Lying is actually So Good At Untying Knots and her tribe jumps ahead. At the final puzzle the teams must choose between puzzles of 5,10, and 50 pieces with the difficulty decreasing with the increase in pieces. WC chooses the 50 ( Jeff is confused as to why the smartest group chooses this) and NC chooses the 10. Shirin from the WC Tribe gets so flustered she taps out and Max takes over. Love Story Day One taps out and Joe finishes the puzzle in 10 easy steps.
We can see Nightcrawler burning holes in Joe’s back. They win and get a fire making kit.
BC catches up and choose the 10 piece puzzle. They dominate and overpower the WC tribe and save themselves from Tribal Council. They get flint.
WC who still does not have fire btw get nothing but shame. Everyone returns to camp.
People begin talking about voting out So Bad At Lying and Carolyn whom they deem too old. Carolyn is smart and follows So Bad At Covering Her Tracks and finds the Immunity Idol without the clue. She confides in the very quiet redhead that reminds me of the kid from The Sandlot ( not Smalls, the one that says “Colossus of Clout” and “Sultan of Swat”). They Tyler becomes Sandlot.
Tribal Council time. Even though Carolyn is scared, she doesn’t play her idol. So Bad At Lying thinks she is So Safe and when she becomes So Voted Out she is So Surprised. I am So Going to Miss Her.